frontal disclosure

Note: I typed this on TUMBLR..freestyling, which is my favorite way to write...enjoy

I’m alone..in a crowd, in a room full of people, holding my hands, hoping no one notices me shaking…I’m afraid

Afraid of what they’re saying about me, my hair, my clothes

Do they notice how fragile I am? 

I guard myself, an armor decorated with fervor and covered in whimsy, they don’t KNOW me, but they’ll swear they do.

They think I’m a facade, a prude, a fake, a realist, a conglomerate of chaos, a beneficial comedienne of catastrophe

They laugh

They struggle to muster their giggles when I walk

I feel it, the pain of being the transcendental misfit, 

I’ll never wear the glamorous skins of another; I must embrace the glamour of me,

He’ll never love me. He’ll never care, the lies I tell myself I must bare. I’ll hurt you no matter how many times I share, if only you could see that was never my intent.

I’m sorry. But sorry isn’t enough when you haven’t held yourself closely and comforted your dying heart, your lack of faith in the human race, your need to find fault in everyone before they find fault with you. 

My brain, is ….broken, my heart in pieces. I let myself go into a world, unguarded and unguided, thinking, that with fearful eyes and a sorrowful heart, I’d find peace.

I found piece. No, pieces, no peaces worthy of leaving war behind, they never understood my battle. But pieces, of myself, strewn throughout the streets, covered in a murk unrecognizable, the pain of being broken by those who you loved. 

The fear or being cast-down, mocked, abandoned, neglected, betrayed…the reality that all of those things HAVE occurred within one year, your heart? IS BROKEN. 

You tried to pretend they didn’t hurt you, that it didn’t burn to see him kiss someone else, or love someone else…that she didn’t betray you time and time again with the pretense of wanting to be friends…that his nonchalant methodology didn’t confuse you and turn your brain into its own worst enemy.

But you’re no innocent prince. Not a princess, but a prince. You adorned yourself in a man’s armor, taking his role to protect yourself, the way a father would guide his daughter, but your father left you on the path alone. He forgot how much you would need him to protect you, and you found yourself shopping for helmets alone. 

I wish you the best, young darling, after looking in your eyes and seeing the hunger, the longing, the depth and the despair, you’re barely ever THERE. You’re never really here.

You’ve lost yourself, somewhere along the midst of trying to be a hero, you’re here, left with zero, nothing, nada….you’re alone. It’s scary…the resources are scarce, your broken heart is your only guide…if you desire.

You’re stronger than you’re ready to see, but you’re so afraid of ME. YES ME. The only one you can’t escape, you’ll run and HIDE, you can’t evade..evacuate, you can’t escape fate. YOU ARE YOU ..and nothing can change that. You can’t erase that…you can’t fake that. You’ll never lose yourself if you hold onto your love. You’ll never forgive yourself if you forget who you are.