COUNTDOWN..

So, Beyoncé's video for COUNTDOWN has become like my FAVE video of hers, moreso than GREEN LIGHT, which was like my ultimate fave...well tied with GET ME BODIED...but I looooved it.

All of the Audrey-isms...it excited me, I'm still shrilling in excitement from the vividness of it all. I wish her the best with her baby...it's weird how much I've grown to where I can say that and NOT be hateful toward her. I felt so conflicted on the inside, marveling at her creativity but feeling disgusted by the bravado, but why not be brave? Be brave and embrace that beautiful swan, that gilded golden egg...that wondrous high of creativity..and keep it flowing. I let it ebb and flow, it leaves me ...then it returns..I can't imagine what it'd be like to feel creatively inspired more than just in a whim...I mean like ACTUALLY feeling creative each and every day, no slumps.. Notice I didn't say ALL day , but every day..
I'm totally supposed to be asleep but a lovely little cousin of mine exposed me to a wondrous list of methods to be inspired/creative/aroused...creatively : ) ...I'm exxxcited.. my life is changing. I can feel it. I should get my Dreamgirls on and break out into the song Jennifer Hudson sang in that tired wig...but I won't..I'll just observe. I've lost so MUCH this year, and gained a lot of priceless experiences and wisdoms. I have to hold on to the gains and accept the losses as sunk costs. Yes, economics is actually applicable to my life. Who would've guessed?!

XOX..

frontal disclosure

Note: I typed this on TUMBLR..freestyling, which is my favorite way to write...enjoy

I’m alone..in a crowd, in a room full of people, holding my hands, hoping no one notices me shaking…I’m afraid

Afraid of what they’re saying about me, my hair, my clothes

Do they notice how fragile I am? 

I guard myself, an armor decorated with fervor and covered in whimsy, they don’t KNOW me, but they’ll swear they do.

They think I’m a facade, a prude, a fake, a realist, a conglomerate of chaos, a beneficial comedienne of catastrophe

They laugh

They struggle to muster their giggles when I walk

I feel it, the pain of being the transcendental misfit, 

I’ll never wear the glamorous skins of another; I must embrace the glamour of me,

He’ll never love me. He’ll never care, the lies I tell myself I must bare. I’ll hurt you no matter how many times I share, if only you could see that was never my intent.

I’m sorry. But sorry isn’t enough when you haven’t held yourself closely and comforted your dying heart, your lack of faith in the human race, your need to find fault in everyone before they find fault with you. 

My brain, is ….broken, my heart in pieces. I let myself go into a world, unguarded and unguided, thinking, that with fearful eyes and a sorrowful heart, I’d find peace.

I found piece. No, pieces, no peaces worthy of leaving war behind, they never understood my battle. But pieces, of myself, strewn throughout the streets, covered in a murk unrecognizable, the pain of being broken by those who you loved. 

The fear or being cast-down, mocked, abandoned, neglected, betrayed…the reality that all of those things HAVE occurred within one year, your heart? IS BROKEN. 

You tried to pretend they didn’t hurt you, that it didn’t burn to see him kiss someone else, or love someone else…that she didn’t betray you time and time again with the pretense of wanting to be friends…that his nonchalant methodology didn’t confuse you and turn your brain into its own worst enemy.

But you’re no innocent prince. Not a princess, but a prince. You adorned yourself in a man’s armor, taking his role to protect yourself, the way a father would guide his daughter, but your father left you on the path alone. He forgot how much you would need him to protect you, and you found yourself shopping for helmets alone. 

I wish you the best, young darling, after looking in your eyes and seeing the hunger, the longing, the depth and the despair, you’re barely ever THERE. You’re never really here.

You’ve lost yourself, somewhere along the midst of trying to be a hero, you’re here, left with zero, nothing, nada….you’re alone. It’s scary…the resources are scarce, your broken heart is your only guide…if you desire.

You’re stronger than you’re ready to see, but you’re so afraid of ME. YES ME. The only one you can’t escape, you’ll run and HIDE, you can’t evade..evacuate, you can’t escape fate. YOU ARE YOU ..and nothing can change that. You can’t erase that…you can’t fake that. You’ll never lose yourself if you hold onto your love. You’ll never forgive yourself if you forget who you are.

Struggle...

I feel so violated right now...the blatant neglect..disrespect...I'm terrible at saying how I feel when I'm misguided by light and dark...I hate when I don't feel protected...even if it's by myself. I let my guard down and I feel like I don't feel safe.

I need a safe place, a field of protection..and maybe I'm still not in a place to really feel comfortable around someone who violated me emotionally and physically...I still feel nauseous at the thought. I need to cry. I'm supposed to wash my make up off and I have no energy to do so...I'm exhausted. I'm getting sick.
I feel like I want to cry..and I hate feeling like I'm out of control. Seriously.

The benefits don't seem to be helping me out at all. And it's October. My October started off well, but right now, I feel like I'm losing to the controlling spirit of an attacker. And of course, I'm made to look like an assailant. EVERY single time. Because I noticed how RX was watching me with FV and I'm like GIRL ...I don't know you to be unkind to you but this is a bit much. I don't play awkward games. If I don't have the right heart, I will totally avoid talking to someone until I can handle it. Maybe I'm just too fragile to be in the world I'm in, but I have to push through it ..

I just never felt like insensitivity would be a problem I'd have.

The Romantic Brat

I'm in class, looking on Ruelala.com, and wishing, well hoping, that I have a guylove that I can shop for, soon. I've always loved looking at guys' clothing, and I LOVE IT. I love menswear. It's so much more simple than womenswear, but the opportunities for growth are innumerable. I mean, I'm REALLY considering wanting to do a menswear line, I just need to know more about men's bodies. I'm so fascinated with how mens' clothing fits in the first place, and I enjoy wearing it. Speaking of which, I need a pair of loafers to fit my fall/winter needs.

I'm lonely again, but I realize it's a thing I'll have to continuously battle throughout my life. It seems to be a curse spawned from generations of women whose spirits and hearts were broken throughout their lifetimes. I fight for love. At least I will. I'd do pretty much anything for it. That sense of longing and desiring for something more has always pushed me to want to do something different, bolder, passionate. It pulls me up and pushes me around. I am, slowly but surely, nonetheless, learning to be LESS conscious of what other people think of me. I feel, so often, inferior yet superior to my peers, because I know so much. It's weird, but I understand myself a lot more than I had in the past. I'm looking forward to my therapy session and shall blog about it soon.

Toodles XOX

Hiatus.

Hi.

I'm on hiatus. Yep. A break. I need one. Sabbatical for serenity, and I am looking forward to letting go of my need to be "seen" for the sake of being seen. I want to hang out with my friends because I actually desire to do so, not because I feel like I have to put on airs and be viewed a certain way.

Plus, I'm mourning the end of a battle...the end of something I had been used to, and I need time to let it go. I had to disappear a little; I need to fully let this go. I've been obsessing over this relationship with someone for far too long, and I didn't know how to deal with it, how to deal with the feelings I felt, or how I was supposed to deal with how I DIDN'T feel, but I realize now that I need to have a seat and just chill out and rest. There's no reason for me to be out and about flossing and shining when I'm hurting on the inside; the other reality is that I don't have to HIDE myself because someone is going to find me regardless of whether or not I'm hiding.

It KILLS me that I've hurt people I care about, it just means that I need to take better care of myself so that I may learn how to TRULY appreciate and love others in my life. It's hard to know who you are when you never give yourself a chance to BE yourself.

I've learned a few things from movies, too, and in that aspect, it's important to understand your CHARACTER, and when you step outside of who you are, understand the consequences of losing your way. I've been there. Still teetering on the edge, but I refuse to lose the fight to my fears. We'll have to keep fighting.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed

I feel so ...blah.
So up and down...I hate it. I hate the struggle. Fighting through depression, the genetic disposition that's afflicted on my family, on me, on life...I push.

I wonder where I'll travel, where I'll go...how I'll get there..I'm walking so slowly..I feel like I'm barely moving. I haven't forgiven myself for not being perfect, for feeling like a burden, it's taking over my persona ..I desire nirvana, the peaceful enlightenment of learning and yearning, I'm burning, for something different.
I do not want a temper, I want passion. I want a fire. I want to burn with it. Full of it.
I need it.
I can't live without passion. It pushes me out of my cavern, my whole disillusion...I leave it and float with passion.

I miss it. I miss the passion. I miss the chemicals boiling underneath my skin. I miss you. I miss how much you helped me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you...I have to forgive myself...but I don't know how.

I pray for something different. I pray for someone to hug me, tell me that I'll be okay I'm praying. I pray. Sigh. I don't know why I've written you this way, you poor, pathetic little plea of help, but my faith is fading, and my fears are winning. I hate fear. I look at it as a burden, but it isn't my cross to bear. I've taken on another crucifixion ...one I'm not meant to endure.

Oh pure, clear, fresh desire, don't let me down, don't let me down.

Love at First Sight.

Love at first sight...I never knew you..
Love at first sight, all that we could do,
Is just a dream,
More than it seems
Love at first sight
Love at first sight.

Love at first sight, I've hoped that maybe
With all my might
I'd be your baby
Oh I could soothe you
Hold you and groove you
Love at first sight
Love at first sight